


Anticlimactic Confessions

by cero_ate



Category: White Collar
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2010-05-24
Updated: 2010-05-24
Packaged: 2017-10-09 16:49:26
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,075
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/89574
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cero_ate/pseuds/cero_ate
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Neal is bisexual. No one cares. Lauren and Jones are not Peter's minions</p>
            </blockquote>





	Anticlimactic Confessions

**Author's Note:**

> Prompt: 3763. White Collar, Neal Caffrey, Neal's definitely not straight, and after someone (Lauren?) makes a comment about 'Mr Heterosexual', he feels compelled to tell everyone. But coming out is difficult when no one seems to care
> 
> Thanks to Pervyficgirl for the beta and super_keen for reading it through

Neal tossed the rubber band ball he'd stolen off Lauren's desk up and down as he waited for Peter to get out of another of those interminably long meetings with Hughes. Usually Neal got to go with Peter, but Hughes had kicked him out and that only made Neal more curious. He wanted to know what was going on. Hopefully it was something more interesting than the mortgage fraud he was supposedly working on to keep himself busy. Instead of the petty thievery he really was working on. His...whatever Peter's team was, needed to stay more alert. He was really doing them a favor by making stuff disappear off their desks. Really, it was out of the goodness of his heart that he did things like this. If they didn't stay alert some smooth-talking grifter would have them for everything they had.

"Neal, give me back my ball," Lauren demanded, catching it in mid-air. Huh, only fifteen minutes. She was improving on her realization time. He'd start hiding it next time and make her find it. He wondered if Peter would mind him using his probie like this. He wondered if she realized how five years old demanding her ball back made her sound, though.

"You're getting better," Neal complimented her.

"You're not." Lauren scowled.

"I'm hurt." Neal clutched his breast.

"You're a criminal and possibly a compulsive thief," Lauren diagnosed. "Mix that with your Mr. Playboy-heterosexual fixation..."

"I'm not," Neal denied. "A compulsive thief, a playboy or heterosexual."

"You flirt with anything in a skirt." Lauren scowled. "Are we adding a liar to that?'

"I flirt with anything, would be a better description," Neal explained. "I'm bisexual. Means I like the ladies and the fellows."

"Whatever. You're still a thief and if I catch you stealing things off my desk again, I'll report you to Peter."

"What did Neal do this time?" Peter demanded, as he walked into the office. Neal noted he used the same tone to ask what Neal himself had done as he'd used when Satchmo peed on the carpet. He wasn't sure whether to be amused, annoyed or feel patronized. He'd figure that out later as he shot Peter a beatific smile.

"I didn't do anything!" He claimed this attempting to look as innocent as possible. Which really only solidified his guilt in Peter's eyes, he knew, but it was all part of the game. And the game took precedence over needling Lauren any more. If he didn't play the game, Peter would think something was actually wrong.

"Of course, Neal. What did he do, Lauren?" Peter asked, exasperated. Leave the children alone for one minute and there would be a fight.

"He's a compulsive thief, and he won't stop stealing stuff off my desk," Lauren responded.

"And bisexual," Neal said helpfully. Couldn't forget that part, especially if it made Lauren uncomfortable.

"Neal, stop stealing things off Lauren's desk. Lauren stop reacting to Neal; it only encourages his bad behavior," Peter ordered. "And Neal, I followed you for years. I know your shoe size, your preferred style of underwear, how you take your coffee, your favorite wine, what kind of brushes you use. I already knew you were bisexual. Now if we could pretend to be adults instead of elementary school children, we could crack this mortgage fraud and hopefully something will reward us with a case that will keep you two occupied. Also, Lauren, he's not a compulsive thief, he merely has a deep seated need to draw reactions from people, and every time you react, it only encourages him to continue to annoy you."

"What's Neal doing to annoy Lauren?" Jones questioned as he walked into the office with their coffee orders.

"Being bisexual," Neal said, looking to see Jones reaction.

"Oh, okay." Jones frowned. "Great. Then you're going to the coffee shop next time."

"What?" Neal asked. "Why does me being bisexual mean I have to get the coffee?"

"Because the barista is gay, and our orders are expensive," Jones responded. "If you flirt with him, maybe we'll get some off. Being hardworking Federal Agents hasn't worked so far."

Neal smiled. It looked like his teaching to think outside the box was working on one of Peter's minions. That was actually a good plan. He'd reward it by not stealing Jones' coffee when Peter inevitably sent him for it next.

"That's dishonest." Lauren frowned. "Using Neal's..."

"Attractiveness?" Neal offered helpfully.

"If that's what you're calling it." Lauren scowled at him. "To get a discount?"

"Hey, I've got rent to pay. If you won the lottery recently, you can buy our coffees," Jones retorted.

"See what you did?" Peter demanded of Neal. "If we're not out of here by dinnertime, I'm letting Elizabeth deal with you!"

"What I did?" Neal asked. "How is this my fault?" Great, threatened with Elizabeth. Peter's wife was _scary_.

"Because!" Peter answered. "Now did you have any breakthroughs on the mortgage fraud?"

"Of course," Neal answered and settled down to explain what he figured out, as Lauren and Jones continued to bicker in the background.

~~~  
"Finally." Peter toed off his shoes and kissed Elizabeth at the same time. Neal hung up both their jackets and stretched. It was their weekly dinner together. Elizabeth liked to try to make Neal feel at home, and make sure that Peter was feeding Neal okay. Besides, it gave her a chance to make weird foods he didn't like, but Elizabeth and Neal seemed to think were delicious. If you had to acquire a taste for something, it didn't belong in your mouth, was what Peter thought. Although he did wish Neal would develop a taste for deviled ham.

"Hi, Neal." Elizabeth gave him a warm hug. "How did you annoy Peter today?"

"I came out as bisexual," Neal responded. "And touched off a half hour argument between his minions."

"They're not my minions," Peter denied. "They're my junior agents." There actually was a difference, no matter what Neal claimed.

"You did?" Elizabeth smiled. "Oh honey, it's wonderful you're not hiding it. Should we throw you a party? I have a friend who does amazing things with rainbow themes. She's got this sushi platter that's to die for."

"El, we are not throwing Neal a party. Besides he's been out for years," Peter grumbled, as Neal and Elizabeth put their heads together. "There better be beer at your party! Good beer and not that microbrewery froofy crap."


End file.
